


The Secret Sealing Channel

by hungrybookworm



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Ghost Hunting, Youtuber Hifuus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 06:23:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14514429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hungrybookworm/pseuds/hungrybookworm
Summary: In which Merry and Renko run out of money, so they embark on a new career as youtubers.





	The Secret Sealing Channel

“Hmm…” Renko tapped the end of her ballpoint pen against her chin. “Merry?”

“Yes?” asked Merry from the opposite side of the table.

“Did you spend five thousand yen on moisturiser last month? At Seven-Eleven?”

“At Seven-Eleven?” Merry frowned. “Oh. Oh, we bought it together, after our trip to the abandoned hospital. Remember?”

“In Kusatsu?” Renko picked up the receipt. “It says we bought it in the Shijo-Omiya branch.”

“Yes, we fell asleep on the subway, and our hands were like sandpaper so we decided it was a club expense.”

Renko didn’t remember anything after the Kusatsu trip, so she took Merry’s word for it, and scribbled the entry down. The club account book was wide open in front of her, flanked by a calculator, highlighter pens, and an intimidating pile of receipts. “It was really cold in that hospital,” she agreed, and the moisturiser turned out to be very good. Definitely worth the money. “But we spent a stupid amount of money last month.”

“We did? How?”

Renko passed Merry the account book, and Merry flicked through it.

“We were doing fine in January,” said Merry.

“Yes, and then we ran out of occult spots in Kyoto. We’re spending a lot more on transport and train tickets. See?” Renko pointed at the entries highlighted in blue.

“And we bought a new camera last month too.” Merry sighed. “You’re right, we’re in the red.”

“We need finance!” declared Renko. “Proper finance, like all the other clubs.”

“We looked into that, remember? We’d have to register as an official society with the university, and that’d mean opening up to new members.”

Neither Merry nor Renko wanted that. “You’re right,” said Renko, losing heart. “Maybe we should get part time jobs.”

“Are we going to have time for club activities and studying on top of a part time job? We should just sell our textbooks.”

Renko grimaced at the thought. “Merry, no, come on. There’s got to be a better way. Like, a way we can combine club activities with making money, or studying with making money.”

Merry’s phone buzzed.

“Who’s texting you at this time of night?” asked Renko, as Merry dug it out of her pocket.

“No one. A new video just got uploaded.” Merry smiled. “Want to watch it with me?”

“Merry, we’re having a very important financial discussion.” But Renko got up and moved to Merry’s side of the table. “What new video?”

“It’s my favourite youtuber!”

“Youtuber? Those stopped being popular over a century ago!”

“They’re becoming popular again. It’s kinda retro, don’t you think? Anyway, it’s only fifteen minutes long. He specialises in occult stuff.” Merry tapped her phone screen. “It’s all in English though.”

“I’m fine with English, don’t worry.”

A well groomed white man in his mid-twenties appeared on screen, wearing a headset and a hideous t-shirt that reminded Renko of her grandmother’s wallpaper.

“Hey guys!” said the man with a goofy smile. “And welcome to Sam’s _spoooooky_ occult channel!”

“Merry, I’m confiscating your phone.”

“Renko, shh.”

“I’m so glad I can talk to you guys again after one hell of a week. And when I say hell, I literally mean hell! _Heeeeeellll!”_ He made what Renko assumed was supposed to be a ‘spooky’ gesture. “But first, I wanna say thank you so much for twenty million subscribers.”

“Twenty million?” cried Renko. “Is that normal?”

“Probably.”

“So this week’s topic is… Hell! Yeah, you guessed that right. I’ll tell you more about it… after the commercial break!”

“He always plays an ad at the start and the end of the video,” explained Merry. “That’s how he makes money.”

“He makes money off these videos?”

“Well, yes. It’s hard not to with twenty million subscribers.”

“Are you sure twenty million people actually watch this idiot?”

“I watch him!”

The ad ended, and the man came back on screen. Merry gazed at the screen, enthralled, while Renko crossed her arms and glared at the youtuber. She could make a much better video than that. And she and Merry were a hundred times cooler than him.

An idea began to form in Renko’s head…

*****  
“Okay Merry, stand a little further to the right,” said Renko, peering through the viewfinder. “That’s better.”

“Renko, is this really a good idea?” asked Merry.

“Don’t worry, the camera has night vision!”

It was two in the morning, minus two degrees Celsius outside, and freezing cold. Merry and Renko were standing in a field, a video camera and a large tripod between them. The camera they bought last month, in fact.

“That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“If you don’t want to be in the video, now’s the time to say so.”

The plan was simple: film their club activities, upload the results to youtube, gather lots of subscribers and make money off the ad revenue. They wouldn’t be filming any border crossings or anything that exposed Merry’s powers of course, in case they attracted the wrong kind of attention, but Renko was confident lots of people would be satisfied with exploring ruins and ghost hunting and such.

“Okay, I’m gonna start the timer,” said Renko. She pressed a few buttons, then ran over to Merry. Both women faced the camera. “Okay, smile! Three, two, one…!”

The camera light blinked.

“Hello!” cried Merry, before stage fright kicked in. “And um… umm…”

“Welcome,” cried Renko, with enough confidence to convince five million teenage girls to fall in love with her, “to the Super… uh… no, secret! Yes, welcome to the Secret Sealing Club’s first ever youtube video! I’m Renko Usami, and this is Maribel Hearn, and we’re going to be exposing the esoteric live on television!”

“Renko, youtube.”

“Oh, right, youtube. Now we’re live in a field in Nishikyo Ward, and rumour has it!” Renko gestured to the tree stump behind them. “That this tree stump is haunted! If you kick it, you’re cursed… for life!”

“I don’t think we can prove that in one video.”

“Don’t worry, Merry, no one’s going to be cursed tonight. It’s cursed because there’s a ghost inside it. The ghost of the person who chopped it down. The tree fell on his head, and now he wanders the night with his axe looking for fresh victims… of the botanic kind.”

“So, uh… we’ll be catching the ghost on camera tonight,” said Merry.

“Join us as we prove once and for all that there’s more to our physical world than we realise! And remember to subscribe, while you’re at it. In fact, subscribe twice. Three times.”

“Just the once is fine!”

*****  
One hour later.

“So that’s why I think Karl Marx isn’t quite the madman a lot of people think he is nowadays.”

“I know, Merry, but seriously, that whole Oedipus Complex thing is messed up.”

“That’s Freud, Renko.”

“…Oh.”

*****  
Two hours later.

“I swear though! I swear, she did it on purpose!”

“She definitely didn’t sabotage your group work on purpose, Renko.”

“Yes she did! You should’ve seen the look on her face when the professor announced everyone’s marks. Twisted satisfaction.”

“Actually she might watch the video. Maybe we shouldn’t talk about that here.”

“Oh, I’ll edit it out later, don’t worry!”

*****  
Three hours later.

“I think the camera’s running out of battery.”

“Well, let’s end it here!” Renko stood up, and clapped her hands. “Thanks for watching, everyone! Remember to subscribe! Definitely subscribe, please. Make duplicate accounts and subscribe.”

“Renko, no! That’s not allowed.”

“Huh, really?” Renko turned the camera off. “I didn’t know that.”

“Anyway, what are we going to do?” Merry looked at the tree stump. “Nothing happened.”

“It’ll be fine. I’ll edit the footage into something wild and exciting.”

“Like that part where the bushes shook in the wind?”

“It’ll be fine.” Renko looked up at the sky. “Five-twenty-seven in the morning. Wanna head to the bus stop? We can start editing the video once we’re home.”

“You can start editing the video. I’m going to sleep.”

*****  
One week later, and Merry and Renko were sitting at the table again, staring at the video analytics page on Merry’s phone.

“So…” said Merry. “Um…”

“When you think about it though,” said Renko, “ten whole people took time out of their day to watch us stand in a field for three hours.”

“Maybe we should’ve edited it down to two hours after all…”

No subscribers, but someone had left a comment under the video.

_lol sumireko’s occult exposure report did it way better and that’s over 100 years old_

“What’s Sumireko’s… thingy?” asked Renko.

“No idea, I’ve never heard of it.” Merry put her phone down. “Are we really going to make twenty million subscribers at this rate?”

“Maybe we should film something more exciting. Like a proper vengeful ghost.”

“Food videos are always popular. Maybe we should cook something while we wait for the ghost?”

“Oh! That’s a great idea, Merry!” Renko leapt up. “We can call it, the Secret Sealing Chowdown!”

“The what?” 

The road to becoming youtubers was harder than they expected. But Renko was determined. Next time for sure, they’d get twenty million subscribers! Maybe.

**The End**


End file.
